i must have cried ten times over my nana’s death today. there were heavy emotions in between. and i had a moment in the crematorium, before i said goodbye to her in the coffin, when i came the closest i’ve been in ten years to ‘relating’ to some sort of deity (i dropped my last residual christian belief just as i was entering my teens).
Today I went through some writings, notes and things from 1-3 years ago, as part of clearing out my stuff in preparation for moving. For the first time in a while, I remembered some incredible episodes of distress i used to experience. It is bewildering how much different a person I have been in the past few years. Totally different, with a mind that works in a strikingly different way. I came across a piece of paper in which i recounted moment-by-moment the two days leading up to my first experience of dissociation ( depersonalisation and derealisation — i didn’t know what all this was at the time), and my terror at the thought that I was psychotic and so on… just general terror. At that time, writing was the only thing I could do, because I was extremely confused over what was happening and needed external help. I also came across notebook upon notebook, FILLED with drawn out writings about what I thought was happening with my mind — this was me trying to straighten myself out. Another thing of which i saw a lot was all this repetitive brainstorming/lists/musing over the incredible future i wanted to create for myself. I literally have a big ol’ pile of writings like the above.
I’ve been a bit down lately, but today I have a refreshed and strong appreciation for my current emotional wellbeing.